House Elves on Strike!
by Kasey
Summary: Professor Snape's Potions class has *just* gotten a bit more interesting... Clean, genuine, one-shot comedy!


Wie geht's? Wilkommen, chaps and chapesses--thanks for taking time out of your busy lives to Read and Review. I really appreciate it, and it helps me write. If you like what you see--tell me! If you don't like it--tell me that, too! All kinds of feedback is wonderful, but un-constructive flames will be used to fuel the Bardic fires.  
  
Danke schoen!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the pictures in my head  
  
Warning: None! ^__^ Humor, plain and simple!!  
  
Author: Kasey  
  
Archive: Not unless I send it to you.  
  
Status: Complete, unedited.  
  
Key: /italics/ and *emphasis*  
  
~~~~~  
  
~"House Elves on Strike"~  
  
~~~~~  
  
This Wednesday morning was the same as any other Wednesday morning, really. Up, shower, dress, eat, go to Herbology with the Hufflepuffs, go to Potions with the Slytherins.  
  
"Class, I want your utmost attention for today's assignment," Professor Snape drawled. "This has to be carefully done, as it is most unlike any other potion we have worked on thus far."  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow at Ron, who gulped. They had enough trouble in Snape's class as it was. How were they supposed to get by if he turned everything upside down on them?  
  
Hermione, however, looked pleased at the prospect of something new.  
  
"You will leave your cauldrons cold," Snape continued in his deep, dramatic voice. "Your ingredients are in the bins next to your desk. Open them up."  
  
There were a few exclamations at the odd items found in the refrigerated bins, but the Potions Master did not allow them much time to think.  
  
"Take out the items labeled 'A' and 'B'," he instructed harshly, pulling them out of the bin beside his desk. "Chop item 'A' and spread it around the inside of your cauldron. When you have finished with that, squeeze out two inches of item 'B' and do the same. Begin!"  
  
The students rushed to begin their assignment. Many students plugged their noses as item 'A' was chopped, it's smell permeating the room. Immediately following were noises of disgust as the class squeezed two inches out of the tubes that held item 'B'.  
  
At his desk in front of the classroom, Snape growled a, "Be quiet," as he prepared his own cauldron.  
  
Finally, the cauldrons were prepared. Several students tried to spell their hands clean of the ingredients. They looked up to see what their next instructions were.  
  
Snape pulled the next item out of his bin. It was marked 'C'. "Take these out of your bins," he instructed. "Tear them into pieces exactly one-and- one-half inches across, and place them in the cauldron."  
  
"Professor?"  
  
Snape whirled angrily on the student who had raised his hand. "What, Mr. Longbottom?"  
  
Neville pointed to the hard, knobby end of his item 'C'. "What about this part?" he asked shakily. "Do we put it in, too?"  
  
Snape looked down his overlarge nose as the Gryffindor butterfingers. "Can you tear it into one-and-one-half inch pieces?" he asked, oddly calm.  
  
Neville examined it. "...No?"  
  
Snape smiled. All the Gryffindors and several Slytherins shuddered. "Then, no," Snape said slowly, "You don't." Then his face turned hard again. "Get to work!"  
  
Hands scrambled to begin. Harry carefully began tearing pieces off of the item 'C' he shared with Ron. It gave a satisfying snapping sound every time a fresh piece was torn off.  
  
The Potions Master finished with his item 'C' long before any of the students did, so he began prowling up and down the tables, looking for students making mistakes.  
  
"Longbottom! Those pieces are at least two inches long. I specifically said one-and-one-half inches." Snape hovered ominously over Neville's cauldron. "Fix it," he hissed.  
  
Finally finished, the rest of the class was required to wait and cast occasional chilling spells on their cauldrons, while Neville clumsily trimmed down his pieces of item 'C'.  
  
"What do you think?" Parvati whispered during the wait.  
  
"Incredible," Hermione sighed. "I've never read about a potion like this before!"  
  
Once Neville had finished, Snape returned to his desk. Harry offered Neville a reassuring smile, and the other boy smiled shakily back before gasping as Snape snapped out his next instructions.  
  
"Now!"  
  
Students hands flew for their bins as the Potions Master barked instructions at them.  
  
"Add one quarter of a teaspoon of the next two ingredients! Add one half of a teaspoon of the next ingredient!"  
  
A few students grimaced at the odd powders and many more sneezed when the powders blew back in their faces.  
  
"Grate four ounces of item 'G'!"  
  
Hermione had to cast a quick healing charm on Neville, who scraped his hand on the grater in his rush to keep up with Snape's instructions. No one was brave enough to look into their cauldrons to see what they were making.  
  
"Only one of you needs to be grating," Snape snapped from the front of the room. He was lighting a fire beneath a large cauldron on the floor next to his desk. "Each pair will send one up with your item 'J.' Place it in the boiling water for one minute--ONLY one minute," he said slowly and carefully, glaring at the Gryffindors. "Then remove it--carefully--and take it back to your cauldron. Whoever does not boil item 'J' must add six tablespoons of item 'H' and one third of a cup of item 'I'. DO you understand?"  
  
The class chorused a, "Yes, Professor Snape," before hurriedly returning to their tasks.  
  
"Ew," Ron said, wrinkling his nose as Harry pulled item 'J' out of the bin. "You have to boil that thing?"  
  
Harry held it up to the light. "Yeah... I dunno why we have to keep it cold if we're only going to wind up boiling it. Doesn't make much sense, but that's Snape for you," he murmured, nodding to Ron as he walked up to the cauldron of boiling water.  
  
Snape's item 'J' had gone into the boiling water twenty-three-and-one-half seconds before any of the students arrived with their own item 'J's. He carefully ladled it out and dried it on a soft towel.  
  
"Pay attention," he commanded. When most students eyes were on him (a few were still watching their portable timepieces), he demonstrated the next step. "Break your item 'J' like so, and let the inside fall into the cauldron like so." A few of the more squeamish students made disgusted sounds. Malfoy and Hermione grinned in anticipation of the next step.  
  
"Do not let any of the outer part fall into the cauldron or you will regret it," Snape told them.  
  
And then the students' minutes were up. Each item 'J' was quickly ladled out onto a soft towel and carefully hurried back to its respective cauldron. Neville whimpered at Hermione, who helped him break his item 'J' without ruining the entire cauldron.  
  
When the sounds of cracking had died away, and students had wiped their fingers clean of the slimy-looking goo that had come out, they all looked up at Snape expectantly. Even Neville looked to be ready for the next step.  
  
Snape eyed them. So far, no explosions. No major catastrophes... although he hadn't found an excuse to take points from Gryffindor House yet, today. Ah, well. Perhaps Friday. There were always at least three Gryffindors late on Fridays. Almost always Potter and Weasley, too. That was a heartening thought.  
  
"Now," Snape murmured. He rolled up his left sleeve and reached into his cauldron. "Mix it with your hands. Simply mix. Do not try to smash the contents into indistinguishable bits of pulp."  
  
"How long?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Five points from Gryffindor for speaking out of turn!" Snape gloated, feeling much better. "Mix for... one minute."  
  
The class rolled up their sleeves and reached in, grimacing at the slimy feel of the contents in their cauldrons. The mixture of smells of pastes and powders made some of them quite curious.  
  
"I wonder what we're making?" Harry said, peering into his cauldron. This did little good, because all he saw were black shadows.  
  
At the end of the minute, the class pulled their arms out and immediately began inciting cleaning spells to charm the gunk off of their skin.  
  
At his desk, Snape was opening a small bag. "Take out the final item," he drawled, apparently glad that this experiment was almost complete. "Open it and pour the contents inside."  
  
Ron peered into the bag after Harry had opened it. "Wierd! It looks like a bunch of little brown sponges!"  
  
Harry pulled one out, and held it up between his finger and thumb. "Dried- out sponges, maybe," he agreed.  
  
"I wonder what power they add to the potion?" Hermione wondered quietly out loud.  
  
Then, the last ingredient was in. The potion was finished. But... What was it?  
  
Snape glanced around the class. Satisfied that they were done, he summoned a bowl and fork from a cupboard across the room. Then he ladled what seemed to be a rather large portion of the greenish potion into the bowl.  
  
There were whispers of "Ooh... what is it?" and "What did we make?" and "That's so wierd..." and "Of course, I always knew he was brilliant. This just proves it again."  
  
That was Malfoy, of course.  
  
"...Quite different. Cold-made potions, more solid than liquid... is this a recent breakthrough, maybe? Don't like him much, but he is the expert in potions..."  
  
And that was Hermione, of course.  
  
Snape picked up the fork and prodded the potion. Some of it stuck to the tongs. He lifted the fork to his mouth, and--  
  
"Ew, he ate it!" Lavender Brown whispered harshly, gagging.  
  
Snape nodded. It was well done. He sat down and lifted more of the green potion to his mouth. Then he looked around at the class, noticing that they were all staring at him.  
  
"Well...?" he prompted, pointing to the cupboard with the bowls and forks.  
  
Neville timidly raised a hand. "...Sir?"  
  
Snape glared at him. "What?"  
  
Neville gulped. "What... what did we make, sir?"  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow, and Neville twitched. The Potions Master put the forkfull in his mouth and immediately poked in his bowl for more.  
  
"Caesar salad," Snape replied, chewing. "The house-elves are on strike, so this is your lunch, today. I suggest that you enjoy it."  
  
Plop.  
  
Hermione fainted.  
  
~~~ 


End file.
